I've been thinking a lot about my future, for once, with semi serious thought about how it might all lay out.
You ever get the feeling that you were meant to do something?
And by something, I don't mean extraordinary. Because I used to think that about myself and now I don't ever get that feeling anymore.
I wish that I could just see that everything is going to be okay for me, I don't even need to know specifics, like career, marriage, and family stuff. I just want to know that I end up happy. The less I would know the more likely it would be to end up that way.
You ever get the feeling that you were meant to do something?
And by something, I don't mean extraordinary. Because I used to think that about myself and now I don't ever get that feeling anymore.
I wish that I could just see that everything is going to be okay for me, I don't even need to know specifics, like career, marriage, and family stuff. I just want to know that I end up happy. The less I would know the more likely it would be to end up that way.
I finally have a cash flow.
That is the best news in the entire world. Funny enough, I can feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. A heavy one. Now the only weight is learning all the different types of bras! I work at Victoria's Secret now. Better yet, I'm not just seasonal, so I can get comfortable. I really like that. I'm happy I know I can contribute to not only my debt, but the things my friends and I like to do. I can buy dinner. I can take Dylan to a movie occasionally now too. I feel like I have some ounce of worth again. How funny.
That is the best news in the entire world. Funny enough, I can feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. A heavy one. Now the only weight is learning all the different types of bras! I work at Victoria's Secret now. Better yet, I'm not just seasonal, so I can get comfortable. I really like that. I'm happy I know I can contribute to not only my debt, but the things my friends and I like to do. I can buy dinner. I can take Dylan to a movie occasionally now too. I feel like I have some ounce of worth again. How funny.
Speaking of Dylan.
Things are good. This is one of the first times I can say in a long while that I'm not concerned about anything. I'm not having doubts. I'm not upset. I feel completely comfortable and hopeful again. Longest relationship ever, btw. That's weird. Haha. Homecoming is this upcoming weekend! That's crazy.
Things are good. This is one of the first times I can say in a long while that I'm not concerned about anything. I'm not having doubts. I'm not upset. I feel completely comfortable and hopeful again. Longest relationship ever, btw. That's weird. Haha. Homecoming is this upcoming weekend! That's crazy.
I want to be a mad awesome art collector.
1 meal a day, dinner.
1 small fruit, breakfast.
At least 3 glasses of water.
No more soda.
Welcome to diet hell.
my love, to the sea
the sea of love.
I want to tell you how much
I love you.
Do you remember when we met?
It's the day I knew you were my pet.
I want to tell you how much
I love you.
I feel okay. (:
I need to update again. And I still don't have a whole lot of positive going on.
I'm still without a job, but I'm looking harder than before. I owe my mother $755 in the matter of two weeks.
I am with Dylan again, things are up and down in my head, but we're good.
I'm never ever going to be able to get my own camera. FML.
I don't think I'm going to be able to see BMTH, kill myself.
I saw requiem for a dream last night, and it was absolutely amazing.
I think I'm going to go make a sandwich. Oh yeah, all this lack of having a life has made me put on some more weight. If I hear one more person tell me to eat healthy I'm going to snap. Nobody seems to understand how bad I put my body through hell just to avoid that. I like food that is bad for me. I miss eating out. Haha.
I've been single for over 24 hours now. I miss being able to talk to you.
When you had the chance.
I don't know what to talk about. But I think that if I write I will feel better. I will think clearer.
I've been so sad. I'm a sad person, I've come to realize. And I haven't been noticing, I get sad and I don't think about it and it just gets greater and greater. Then, without notice, I'm just bawling on my bed because I would feel like the worst person ever if I made Alyssa ditch her boyfriend to come see me.
Okay, so it didn't start out that way. It started the night before when Jimmy, Lauren, Miranda and I were in the backyard. I'm helping them make a list of things that they'll forget to buy when they go shopping for their new apartment, which is for August first. Now less than a month away. All I could feel was envy. They're doing exactly what I would love to be doing with them. This journey we should all be taking together, like we always talked about.
So Jimmy and Lauren leave. And Miranda and I are enjoying another smoke together, and we both ask what's on each other's minds. Her, just thinking about some part of her day- work or something along those lines. Me? I tell her I'm jealous that she gets to do this. She ripped me a new asshole. Telling me she's not going to let me fail. And that a year from now she expects me to have a plan. Just everything that she's saying to me just is driving me to tears. Which I really needed to do, because it doesn't get to happen very often. I just remain speechless. ):
And Dylan and I got into another big ass fight about me smoking pot. And I told him about me smoking on graduation night. And shit blew up. Of course they did. He almost broke up with me. I almost lost everything that I believe is helping keep me together. I don't know what to do. With anything in general. I want to absolutely die. In every aspect. Nothing is making me happy anymore. I'm just eating my weight in ice cream. I'm sleeping my days away. I'm smoking more than I ever have. I'm a giant ball of negativity. I need a reason to want to wake up tomorrow morning.
I've been so sad. I'm a sad person, I've come to realize. And I haven't been noticing, I get sad and I don't think about it and it just gets greater and greater. Then, without notice, I'm just bawling on my bed because I would feel like the worst person ever if I made Alyssa ditch her boyfriend to come see me.
Okay, so it didn't start out that way. It started the night before when Jimmy, Lauren, Miranda and I were in the backyard. I'm helping them make a list of things that they'll forget to buy when they go shopping for their new apartment, which is for August first. Now less than a month away. All I could feel was envy. They're doing exactly what I would love to be doing with them. This journey we should all be taking together, like we always talked about.
So Jimmy and Lauren leave. And Miranda and I are enjoying another smoke together, and we both ask what's on each other's minds. Her, just thinking about some part of her day- work or something along those lines. Me? I tell her I'm jealous that she gets to do this. She ripped me a new asshole. Telling me she's not going to let me fail. And that a year from now she expects me to have a plan. Just everything that she's saying to me just is driving me to tears. Which I really needed to do, because it doesn't get to happen very often. I just remain speechless. ):
And Dylan and I got into another big ass fight about me smoking pot. And I told him about me smoking on graduation night. And shit blew up. Of course they did. He almost broke up with me. I almost lost everything that I believe is helping keep me together. I don't know what to do. With anything in general. I want to absolutely die. In every aspect. Nothing is making me happy anymore. I'm just eating my weight in ice cream. I'm sleeping my days away. I'm smoking more than I ever have. I'm a giant ball of negativity. I need a reason to want to wake up tomorrow morning.
You know those days where you're like "Hey, I shouldn't have had that piece of cake last night, my ass won't fit into my jeans!" Yeah, I'm having one of those like months.
Towards myself, I feel like crap. I need retail therapy. I need a lot of things, actually.
I could really use the extra time.
I'm a graduate. I'm out of a job. I'm not doing nothing with my life!
And for the first time, I feel great. I'm not stressing about anything other than still being broke. Haha. I've been looking around a little bit though, for a new job. No luck, however. But at least I'm knocking it out. I was talking with Ian, and he says that right now it's going to be really hard to find anything because minimum wage is going up, so they can't really afford to add anyone else onto their teams. So I really need to go over to decatur where all the new stuff is going up.
Dylan is away this weekend. Which sucks. I'm trying really hard not to miss him as much as I usually do, but it's really hard when he can't text or call or anything really. We barely got to talk last night and by that time I was getting distracted with Miranda and True Blood! Speaking of last night, it was so fun. We're in the middle of watching TB, just chillin in our bra and panties, because that's what we women do. She pauses it and turns to me, "Let's go to Taco Bell, just like this!" I was like why the hell not? So we grab all of our stuff and head out. We're jammin and whatever, and we get there and it's closed already. ): So we swing the car around and head to BK! And of course, our favorite guy- Andre I think his name is, he's workin! He just laughs at us and our ridiculousness. He definitely thought we were drunk, because as we drove away he's all "Have a safe night ladies!" Haha, kill ourselves.
Last weekend I personally think I beat anyone's graduation party. Even though I didn't party with any of my classmates, Lauren and I took a roadtrip out to Salt Lake and partied with the band Chelsea Grin! Who is really good. To be completely honest, I had never listened or even heard of them before this, but Lauren had the hots for the vocalist, Alex, and she had been talking to him all week. They were heading up to tour through Canada that Monday, so the Friday after graduation we headed out. We got there about three o clock and chilled at the mall up there in SL, and then Alex gave us to the directions to his house. We watched him, plus his five other bandmates practice, and I was blown away! They were so kick ass. Very diffrent group of people to say the least. Haha. I love watching drummers play, and the Drummer- Andrew, gave quite a preformance. He is a total goofball and you really had fun just watching him play- even if it's deathm3tal. Hah. We all got dinner and then came back and partied with them all night. Bacardi Gold. :x
The night was totally worth it. We got out of town about 1 the next day, got home about 7ish. We did fairly well. And we had so much fun! And we partied with a band! Whoop. Supa lame.
The rest of my week has been pretty boring. Now I'm just at home watching more True Blood, waiting for Lys to get off and then Miranda get off and I think we're going to crack open that bottle of champange we've got chillin. That will be fun, and hopefully not gross. Macaroni and Cheese time! Then I'll wash the bleach out of my hair. Hurray for a long vox!
(:
And for the first time, I feel great. I'm not stressing about anything other than still being broke. Haha. I've been looking around a little bit though, for a new job. No luck, however. But at least I'm knocking it out. I was talking with Ian, and he says that right now it's going to be really hard to find anything because minimum wage is going up, so they can't really afford to add anyone else onto their teams. So I really need to go over to decatur where all the new stuff is going up.
Dylan is away this weekend. Which sucks. I'm trying really hard not to miss him as much as I usually do, but it's really hard when he can't text or call or anything really. We barely got to talk last night and by that time I was getting distracted with Miranda and True Blood! Speaking of last night, it was so fun. We're in the middle of watching TB, just chillin in our bra and panties, because that's what we women do. She pauses it and turns to me, "Let's go to Taco Bell, just like this!" I was like why the hell not? So we grab all of our stuff and head out. We're jammin and whatever, and we get there and it's closed already. ): So we swing the car around and head to BK! And of course, our favorite guy- Andre I think his name is, he's workin! He just laughs at us and our ridiculousness. He definitely thought we were drunk, because as we drove away he's all "Have a safe night ladies!" Haha, kill ourselves.
Last weekend I personally think I beat anyone's graduation party. Even though I didn't party with any of my classmates, Lauren and I took a roadtrip out to Salt Lake and partied with the band Chelsea Grin! Who is really good. To be completely honest, I had never listened or even heard of them before this, but Lauren had the hots for the vocalist, Alex, and she had been talking to him all week. They were heading up to tour through Canada that Monday, so the Friday after graduation we headed out. We got there about three o clock and chilled at the mall up there in SL, and then Alex gave us to the directions to his house. We watched him, plus his five other bandmates practice, and I was blown away! They were so kick ass. Very diffrent group of people to say the least. Haha. I love watching drummers play, and the Drummer- Andrew, gave quite a preformance. He is a total goofball and you really had fun just watching him play- even if it's deathm3tal. Hah. We all got dinner and then came back and partied with them all night. Bacardi Gold. :x
The night was totally worth it. We got out of town about 1 the next day, got home about 7ish. We did fairly well. And we had so much fun! And we partied with a band! Whoop. Supa lame.
The rest of my week has been pretty boring. Now I'm just at home watching more True Blood, waiting for Lys to get off and then Miranda get off and I think we're going to crack open that bottle of champange we've got chillin. That will be fun, and hopefully not gross. Macaroni and Cheese time! Then I'll wash the bleach out of my hair. Hurray for a long vox!
(:
I haven't updated in a month.
I haven't felt super positive in a month, and I hate just complaining via vox.
Prom was nice.
Miranda has been on my last nerve.
I still can't lose any weight.
I didn't win best of show at arts festival.
Jimmy has been on my last nerve.
Cynthia's 18th birthday party last night was nice.
I don't know if I'm passing my government class.
My hair color sucks.
I'm really tired of always being tired.
Miranda is sick, and I don't want to catch it.
Ian and I aren't talking.
Dylan and I are doing really okay.
Music hasn't been adhearing to my tastes lately.
I'm so sick of hearing ska all the time.
I'M BROKE ALL THE TIME.
I really don't know what I'm going to be doing in the next year.
I really feel like I'm not going to get out of this house anytime soon.
I haven't been able to shower in my own shower for like two weeks.
My whole body feels sore and tired right now.
I never want to touch a dish again, it makes me wish I didn't love the environment.
I really want to get another tattoo or piercing but I can't come up with anything.
Where is my carrrrrr?
And why can't I play the drums?!
Blah. I'm so done with everything. I hate everyone.
Maybe you've mistaken me for someone who cares.
I haven't felt super positive in a month, and I hate just complaining via vox.
Prom was nice.
Miranda has been on my last nerve.
I still can't lose any weight.
I didn't win best of show at arts festival.
Jimmy has been on my last nerve.
Cynthia's 18th birthday party last night was nice.
I don't know if I'm passing my government class.
My hair color sucks.
I'm really tired of always being tired.
Miranda is sick, and I don't want to catch it.
Ian and I aren't talking.
Dylan and I are doing really okay.
Music hasn't been adhearing to my tastes lately.
I'm so sick of hearing ska all the time.
I'M BROKE ALL THE TIME.
I really don't know what I'm going to be doing in the next year.
I really feel like I'm not going to get out of this house anytime soon.
I haven't been able to shower in my own shower for like two weeks.
My whole body feels sore and tired right now.
I never want to touch a dish again, it makes me wish I didn't love the environment.
I really want to get another tattoo or piercing but I can't come up with anything.
Where is my carrrrrr?
And why can't I play the drums?!
Blah. I'm so done with everything. I hate everyone.
Maybe you've mistaken me for someone who cares.
Letting you go I knew you'd fall.
Tell me something new. I feel like no one is stimulating me anymore. I'm not fully interested in talking to anyone because nobody has anything worth while to say.
I'm getting my hair did today, which I'm stoked about. I'm not brokeeee, I'm more stoked about that. I am hungry though and I want chinese. I really want to get some with dyl and miranda tonight, but I don't think he'll have time. :/
My prom dress is gorgeous, still. I can't wait to wear it. It's made to be on me. I can't wait to get the shoes. And I need black flats for skills. Hmmmmm.
I need to lose 5 pounds for prommmmmmmmmm. Yuck. My ipod takes all my laptop's power juice, greedy ipod. Art festival and dylan's birthday is a month from today! Whoop. Bye!
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